© 2018 by Kate Ryan.

I was 4. 

 

Luckily it only happened one time.  But, very odd, I blacked it out of my memory, actually. 

 

My dad's best friend lured me out with candy, and then he masturbated in front of me. 

I know it's not as intense as other people, obviously.  But I blacked it out of my memory for a reason I think. 

 

*

 

I snap sometimes, like black-out.  But very rarely. 

 

{When J was in middle school, he beat up an older kid who said something to upset him.}

 

I just snapped and had black-out-rage.  And someone refreshed that memory to me in high school. 

 

*

 

I didn't actually recover the memory of what happened with my dad's best friend until maybe like a year and a half ago. 

It kind of came all at once. 

What was most vivid about it, it was just like his face was so scary I think as a child. 

And he's looking at you with crazy eyes. 

 

*

 

I don't know what happened a year and a half ago, but I just recalled it. 

I think I was in a good space with my life, in a good environment. 

I mean, I feel like now emotionally something sort of settled and resolved probably.

 

His face is so vivid in my memory if I think about it.  It's kind of scary actually, still.

 

I was in Korean School, right outside of Brown. 

At night and went outside towards the back in a secluded area. 

Crazy part is a lady, I think, was watching, and she was slamming the door.

 

I mean it's in the past now.

It definitely had an impact, definitely in regards to trust. 

 

I definitely get antsy if people give me gifts.  You know? 

Or do nice things for me. 

But I think I know how to handle it now. 

Like just with a little more grace. 

Instead of like, cutting it off and ghosting. 

 

I'm kind of lucky to have life-long friends.

On the positive side, I was able to maintain those relationships because I don't expect total dependability, which maybe some people do. 

I don't know. 

I actually worked for his company three or four years ago. 

 

And I don’t know what happened--but in a conversation he thought that I knew that he did that.

But I didn’t.

 

And he was like, “Don’t tell your dad.” 

I was like, tell him what? 

But then the next week he raised my salary and stuff and started treating me differently. 

So I thought something was up. 

I think he uses repeated tactics. 

Like drawing people in to control them, you know?

 

I saw him in July, because my brother got married.  That was a little awkward.

 

*

 

 

My brother knows.

My sister and her boyfriend know. 

They're actually getting married next month, so it's a happy time right now. 

My parents don't know. 

No one else really knows. 

 

This whole thing is something I couldn't share.  It's still a process right now.  So this is another step in the process.

 

*

 

If I'm feeling down, like EDM always works.  Hip hop, rap, blues.   I love EDM, but I grew up with rap and hip hop.  Obviously Kendrick. I mean Noz, Queens represent.  Everything.

 

Long walks.  I like natural hikes, that sort of thing.

I was hospitalized like 3 or 4 years ago.  The thing that got me out of the depression was the arts part of the rotation. 

 

I was just making flowers and then gifting them to people. 

That just really got me out of it. 

 So I figured if it could get me out of it at this point, I should probably keep doing it. 

And the rest is history.

 

It just keeps me happy. 

It's something to do with your hands, and there's really know harm that can be had with made flowers.  Especially if you gift them. 

So, yeah. 

 

I kept the first one I made in the hospital. 

That's the only one.

 

-J